It’s Thursday, and so I figured today I would write a sort of #throwbackthursday post, since:
1. The only thing I have done this week is cry hysterically while scrolling through baby pictures in preparation for Ben graduating nursery, which is, as we all know, the slippery slope onto him becoming fully independent and naturally rendering me REDUNDANT AS A MOTHER…and I’m thinking writing about that miiiight be a slight
2. If you can’t write about the time your kids destroyed your face so much that you all went viral what CAN you write about?
So, setting the scene:
It’s the Easter holidays. It’s pissing down. You’re too skint, as usual, to do anything exciting so you begin rolling out the usual ‘shit weather’ methods; the fort, paints, the PS4, the ‘dump out every toy they’ve acquired since Christmas 2010’ manoeuvre, but despite your best efforts, your kids are bored, unimpressed and are now trying to physically injure/maim/murder one another over a Batman figure of which there are THREE FUCKING IDENTICAL FIGURES DIRECTLY BESIDE THEM, whilst also slowly but surely ridding you of your will to live.
You’re on the couch in hiding watching a makeup tutorial because:
1. You’re basically convinced that you’ll definitely look EXACTLY like the beauty guru in the video if you juuust watch all of her videos and subscribe to them and follow her on social media then trade your usual tenner foundation for the £37.50 bottle with breakthrough pigment technology, light-reflecting luminosity power particles and essence of childrens’ tears….despite having tried all of this before and just looking like a potato with a bit of lipstick.
2. You’re trying to zone out for five minutes and pretend you can’t see that your sons have turned into psychologically unhinged, wild animals.
Your eldest son spies the video and asks “Mum, can we do a makeup video and film it IT’LL BE SO FUNNY.”
You have makeup. You have a phone. This is a totally free activity. Plus, your sons are taking an interest in your interests! OH, HOW YOU’LL BOND. There are basically no downsides to this idea. (spoiler alert: MAJOR FUCKING DOWNSIDES)
You upload it to Facebook to show your pals because that’s what people do. Everyone has a laugh. All is well.
A day passes. It’s no longer contained within your friends and family. Suddenly, you’re being tagged in Facebook post after Facebook post. Your phone is buzzing with notification after notification about Youtube comments entirely in Japanese. Your horrific, unholy DISASTER of a face is now bouncing around the internet for all to see. Zooey Deschanel shares it. One article makes GIFs of your son punching blusher into your chin. Each article you read has a screenshot of your face more horrific than the last. You have the urge to hunt down every one of the 47,000 viewers and email them a carefully chosen, edited and filtered profile picture just to smooth things over for yourself.
You find out that a Japanese news site has picked up the video and plastered it on their front page. You decide to run the article through Google Translate (because hey, let’s make things WORSE for yourself!) and find a quote that I can only assume every woman wants to hear in relation to their own face.
“The appearance of mom? Horror itself.”
One for the gravestone.
Mother to two sons
Wife to John
If everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, then it’s nice to know that mine revolved around my face being such a TRAINWRECK that it was deemed newsworthy in Japan.
You may want to treat this post as a cautionary tale. The next time the weather is crap and it’s a week until payday, stick to painting, build a fort, or fire Netflix on for an hour or five.
Although, would still recommend this as a preferable option to the soft play.